I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
