so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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