I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
