On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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