Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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