dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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