I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
