maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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