Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
