Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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