So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
