remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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