I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
