i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
