Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Someone came in the potted fern
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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