____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
