Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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