i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
