the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
