I think i peed on brittanys purse
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
