So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
