You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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