Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
