Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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