I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
