I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
