I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
