So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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