I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
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