just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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