Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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