my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
