can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
