they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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