i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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