my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
