Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
