Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
