Fine. I'll sleep in my office
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
