either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
