I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
