Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
