I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
