I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
