i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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