i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
