Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
