update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
