i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
