fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
