i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
