What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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