Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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