it hurts more in the daytime
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
