Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
