Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
