Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
