he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
